


no light, no light

by dabs_to_exo



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Angst, Bones needs a nap, M/M, Pining Bones, Star Trek: Into Darkness, guys chill we all know he comes back, i made myself sad writing this so of course it had to be a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 05:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9864563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dabs_to_exo/pseuds/dabs_to_exo
Summary: Kirk is dead, and Bones is messed up. Based off of the song No Light No Light by Florence and the Machine.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in one class period and I hope someone enjoys this?? Comments are loved and appreciated????  
> also me: is in the middle of writing a Spirk fic  
> me: writes a Jones fic on the side instead of making a new chapter
> 
> note: I KNOW THIS IS NOT EXACTLY HOW IT WENT DOWN IN THE MOVIE. IT IS OFF CANON FOR *****DRAMA**** AND EASE OF ME, THE AUTHOR.

_You are the hole in my head_

“You’re gonna kill me someday kid.”  
“Yeah? Then why do you stay?”  
Jim’s cocky smile flashing in the sunlight.  
Even though they were joking, Bones took a moment to answer.  
“Because I had to choose a goddamn daredevil to-” _fall in love with._ “-be best friends with. I eventually accepted that fact.” _I would follow you to the ends of space._

_You are the space in my bed_

It wasn't uncommon for the two to share a bed. Night terrors plagued Jim the first few weeks of the academy.   
Jim would wake up in sweat, and shaking, crying, calling out for Bones.  
The older man did not complain nor grumble, simply fit himself next to Jim in bed. Large, strong arms wrapping around Jim as he buried his face in the crook of Bones’ neck.  
Shivering, hiccuping sobs faded to quiet breaths of content, and the two would fall asleep just like that.  
After a time, it simply became ritual to sleep in the same bed when both of them could. Sometimes if Bones was up late studying, when he finally did break for sleep he would find Jim in his bed, wrapped in an old t-shirt of his.  
Even on the Enterprise, but less frequently. He loved their rare moments, not only because he could make sure Jim was sleeping.

But now Bones’ bed was very empty. Cold. Immaculately clean from lack of use.

_You are the silence in between_

No laughs, no jokes, no insults. Med bay is cold. Bones doesn't notice. He is working as fast as he can, because he is a doctor god dammit, he can fix these things. Except he can't. Not this.

_What I thought and what I said_

“Wake up you selfish fuck.” Jim didn't. He didn't open his eyes, and laugh and tell Bones it was all a joke.  
 _You can't leave me here alone._

_You are the night time fear_

Bones didn't eat. He didn't sleep. He finally collapsed and when a nurse pulled him back to consciousness, panic and guilt would set in. Jim wouldn’t have slept.

_You are the morning when it's clear_

Their first sunrise together, years ago, was glorious. Bones wasn't even completely in love with Jim yet in the academy but he knew he would never forget that first morning. The light was golden and Jim’s skin looked like it was simply soaking all of it’s light. In sleep, Jim’s face showed nothing but bliss, a small contented smile on his lips. His hair was messy and he was curled around Bones, one arm tight around his torso.  
Now there was only med bay lights. Blinding white, making Jim look like a corpse, lying in the bed, tubes coming out every which way.   
He is a corpse, Bones reminded himself. The thought made him sick. The nurses were scared to touch of talk to Bones, and instead worked quickly and quietly and gave Bones as much room as possible.

_When it's over you're the start_

Bones couldn't get his voice out of his head. His barking laugh. The sight of Jim and the reliefmixedwithanger that came with it whenever he was injured. Now there was only cold fear. He had to save Jim.

_You're my head, you're my heart_

One night, weeks ago, Bones opened up to Spock. Spock opened up to Bones, in a smaller degree. They talked all through the night, both men bonded by the fact that they knew the other wouldn't tell another. Sitting on the floor of Bones’ office, as they both drank.  
Bones, for the first time, finally let it slip to the second last person he ever thought he would say it to.  
“I’m in love with Jim.”  
Spock didn't reply, had no cold remark, just simply nodded, looking down at his hands.

_No light, no light in your bright blue eyes_

Those eyes that he _loved_ , those eyes he had _fought_ for, those eyes that always made him feel like he was _home._  
Now cold, missing the usual shimmer. Nurse Chapel pressed them closed because Bones couldn't. He couldn't close those eyes that he loved so dearly. It felt final.

_I never knew daylight could be so violent_

If Spock hadn't already, Bones would have beaten Khan to a pulp. But worse than that. He would have killed that monster for even laying his hands on Jim. His blood drying in the sunlight. His blood staining the floors of med bay before Bones yelled at an ensign to wash it away. Blood on the doctor’s hands. No matter how hard he scrubbed he could not get it off of his hands.

_A revelation in the light of day_

A ray of hope. Maybe Khan was useful after all. His blood. Bones felt more like a mad scientist than a doctor as he decided to try it. He had to try it. There was no alternative, not to Bones. Death, _Jim’s death_ , was not an option.

_You can't choose what stays and what fades away_

The hell Bones couldn't. The nurses watched him nervously as he moved with surprising precision for a sleepless man running on adrenaline.

_And I'd do anything to make you stay_

Finally, he was done.

_No light, no light_

He injected the serum.

_No light_

He waited.

_Tell me what you want me to say_

“Jim please. I love you.”   
Bones clasped his hand tightly.

_Through the crowd, I was crying out_

There it was. Bones, for the second time, said out loud what had been on his mind since the day he met living sunlight on a shuttle.

_And in your place there were a thousand other faces_

He didn't care his nurses were behind him. That they could hear him say what made his stomach twist whenever the captain smiled or even just walked into a room.

_I was disappearing in plain sight_

He knows he should have said it sooner. Even if the captain had not felt the same.

_Heaven help me, I need to make it right_

Minutes felt like they were hours. Bones ground his teeth and kept blinking tears from his eyes. 

_You want a revelation,_

Jim, the man who helped him forget his ruined marriage.

_You wanna get it right_

Bones stopped believing in love the day ink hit those divorce papers.

_But it's a conversation,_

Bones started believing in love again the day he realized how he felt about Jim.

_I just can't have tonight_

It was after a shitty fight that Jim definitely lost.

_You want a revelation_

Jim was unconscious, beaten, bruised, and bloody, and Bones chewed him out thoroughly when he had was awake.  
After, once Bones had a chance to catch his breath, Jim wrestled him into the tightest hug of his life.

_Some kind of resolution_

“I will deny this later, but you have no idea how good it feels to hear you yell at me Bones.”   
The confident voice was shaking.

_You want a revelation_

That was when it finally hit him: the concept of Jim never coming back. It wasn't a likely possibility in the academy, but in space... Bones not yelling at his warm, laughing friend, but performing an autopsy on a lifeless husk.   
A life without Jim was no life at all, Bones realized.

_No light, no light in your bright blue eyes_

What if this didn't work? To never see Jim's blue eyes again. To never be cheerily called Bones again. To never feel his warm skin again. 

_I never knew daylight could be so violent_

Tears streamed down Bones’ face. Sobs mixed with groans fell from him. His teeth were clenched and he held his hands in his fists. He couldn't stop.

_A revelation in the light of day,_

“Jim, wake the fuck up.”

_You can't choose what stays and what fades away_

“Do you want to hear me say it? Will that make you wake up?”

_And I'd do anything to make you stay_

“I love you. I have and always will love you.”

_No light, no light_

“I… love you.”

_No light_

“Please.”

_Tell me what you want me to say_

“I love you.”

_Would you leave me,  
If I told you what I've done?_

Bones was the one who snuck Jim onto the Enterprise. No way in hell he would go into space without him.   
Bones was the only one Jim let help heal him. Wrap his wounds. Touch his scars.  
Jim would always exclaim, “Bones, you are the best doctor I know.”

_And would you need me,  
If I told you what I've become?_

But even he couldn't save Jim. He was useless, a failure in his eyes.

_'Cause it's so easy,  
To say it to a crowd_

A nurse tried to comfort him, but the look he gave her made her pull away.

_But it's so hard, my love,  
To say it to you out loud_

“Doctor.” Chapel said, her face pink and her eyes tearful. Her usual happy voice was now small and shaking.

_No light, no light in your bright blue eyes_

“I think it is time.” She said.

_I never knew daylight could be so violent_

Bones slammed his fist down onto the table beside him, making everyone in med bay jump.

_A revelation in the light of day,_

“No. We can't give up.”

_You can't choose what stays and what fades away_

“Doctor… he is..”

_And I'd do anything to make you stay_

“Don't fucking say it.”

_No light, no light_

His stomach felt like it was going to implode.

_No light_

Jim smiling. Jim hugging Bones, holding him close. Jim laughing. Jim fighting. Jim dancing like an idiot. Jim, drunk and crying. _Jim. Jim. Jim._

_Tell me what you want me to say_

He had almost said it once. 

_You want a revelation,_

Jim was only a few months into the academy. 

_You wanna get it right_

“I don't belong here.”

_But it's a conversation,_

“Jim don't say that.”

_I just can't have tonight_

“But it's fucking true.”

_You want a revelation_

“Jim you of all people belong here. You are strong and, and brilliant, and the best goddamned man I have ever got to know. Don’t let anyone get you down. I will make you get through this, even if I have to drag you.”

_Some kind of resolution_

Jim looked genuinely surprised by Bones’ outburst.  
“You mean it?”  
“‘Course I do. I…”  
“What?” Jim suddenly looked him in the eyes.  
“I.. I'm your best friend. I would never lie to you.”  
Jim cast his eyes down.  
“Oh.”

_You want a revelation_

“Promise me you won't give up.” Bones had asked.  
“Give up? Me? Never.” Jim wore Bones’ favorite grin.  
“Jim.”  
“I promise Bones. You know you'll never be rid of me.”

_You want a revelation,_

But he was now, Bones thought, turning from his friend. His love. His sunlight. His saving grace and worst nightmare. His Jim.

_You wanna get it right_

Dead.

_But it's a conversation,_

The mere thought of the word felt like a stab in his gut.

_I just can't have tonight_

Bones didn't see it though, the exact moment when Jim came back. His eyes squeezed and he gasped, but Bones did not hear him.

_You want a revelation,_

Jim weakly reached his hand over, just barely grazing the doctor's coat.  
Nurse Chapel caught sight of Jim, and actually cried out, “Oh my god!”

_some kind of resolution_

Bones didn't want to let himself believe it. But he turned anyway.  
Jim put on the best smile he could manage.  
“Hey Bones. What happened?”  
Light seemed to flood med bay.   
Bones let out one sob before he said it.

_Tell me what you want me to say._

_“I love you.”_


	2. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a short lil followup !! Please enjoy :-)

It was the fiercest hug Bones could do without hurting Jim further.   
“I love you, I love you,” Bones said into Jim's now tear-stained shoulder. Once he said it, he couldn't stop saying it.  
Bones could hear Jim laughing in his ear.   
“I love you too, you old sap.”  
Bones pulled back, just enough to see Kirk’s face: a question.  
Jim rolled his eyes.  
“Yes, I love you like that Bones. I always have. Took you long enough.”  
Bones couldn’t help it. He rolled his eyes, leaned forward, and kissed his captain on the lips.  
And the captain kissed him back, his hand, his warm goddamn hand on Bones’ cheek.  
When Bones finally pulled back, he saw Jim’s eyes were wet but he was smiling so widely looking up at him.  
“Did I ever mention how much I love your eyes?” Bones asked, his voice broken.  
“I missed you too Bones. Does this mean you won’t chew me out this go around?”  
“Quite the opposite, jackass.”  
“Wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you Bones.”  
Bones’ composure had come back, but he couldn’t get rid of the smile on his face.  
“Yeah, I know. I love you too.”


End file.
